The BIGGEST mistake most people make in starting or staying in a relationship is NOT answering these 5 vital questions, HONESTLY and REPEATEDLY. MOST love-starved seekers stay in unhealthy relationships or leap rapidly into relationships without even looking, feeling and asking just what they are diving into. So more importantly, why are they diving into it? Of course, this will inevitably end in disaster, destruction and heartache. And NO, you cannot keep blaming it all on the other person. It is time for a reality check and radical self-accountability. But don’t worry. Answering these 5 questions will help you attract and maintain healthier relationships and STOP painful cycles from repeating. Here we go.
1. WHO AM I?
Who are you without the roles you play or the masks you wear? Who are you at a SOUL level? Are you still being defined by your stories, imprints, and programming? What passions and dreams stir within you? What ethics or beliefs do you stand for? If you do not know who you are, then you will most certainly look to your relationships to answer this question for you. Others will explain whom they want you to be with their own agenda and through their limited perspective of you. Their response will inevitably fall short of the truth, creating a palpable tension between you. Looking outside yourself for validation and self-identity will always end in disappointment. Ultimately, this question cannot be answered by anyone else. “Who am I?” is the question YOUR Soul beckons YOU to answer. When this inquiry is ignored, then your masks, roles, insecurities and inauthenticity are running the relationship, creating dramas, picking fights, imposing control, and hiding or projecting blame. Self-discovery is an individual journey with its own twists and turns, trials and triumphs and can coexist within healthy relationships. Bring self-respect and authenticity to your relationships while making the journey of ongoing self-discovery and evolution a priority. Know who you are. The REAL you will attract REAL relationships. Those that do not appreciate the true you are not the people you want to be in a relationship with anyway.
2. WHAT IS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE?
Here is where you take an honest look at what is demanding your attention, energy and resources in your life right now. You see, the phase of life that you are in, work commitments, your passions and priorities will profoundly affect your ability to be present in a relationship. Are you healing from a breakup or a divorce? Starting/ending a career path? Juggling the demands of a family? Mourning the loss of a loved one? Moving? What are the states of your finances and physical health? Looking for a life partner? When honest with yourself about this, you will be able to be clear as to what you are really seeking and available for. MOST ignore the honest reality of where they are and what they want, deceiving themselves and others in the process. This denial often lurks in the shadows of the relationship. Inevitably the truth surfaces, often creating unnecessary resentment and pain in its wake. Know that ignoring reality will sabotage your happiness and hurt those you love. Big life shifts, new beginnings or traumas may take time, attention, healing or resolution. Honor where you are and what is important to you. Be clear about and aware of your priorities and therefore empowered to make decisions that attract the right people and situations that support you.
3. WHO ARE THEY?
When exploring the possibility of a new love interest, take the time to discover who this person is and what is important to them. Their story will give you clues as to the kind of person they truly are. What are their beliefs, ethics, and values? What are their passions and dreams? MOST people fail to inquire, ignore warning signs, make assumptions and rush into situations while choosing only to see what they want to see. Truly be aware of who this person actually is, without your projections or expectations clouding your judgment. Many relationship dramas and painful surprises can easily be avoided with some more patient, thoughtful inquiry, and honesty. LISTEN to the red flags as well as the green lights. This is NOT the time for fantasy and projections. If you are not sure, then spend more time getting to know each other. This exploration will help you to see more clearly whether there is an authentic connection, common interests, and deeper genuine attraction.
4. WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE PERSON’S LIFE?
What is demanding their attention, energy, and resources? The phase of life that they are in, and the events in their life, will profoundly affect their ability to be present in a relationship. Are they broke or abundant? Healing from a breakup or a divorce? Starting/ending a career path? Have a current or past substance abuse issue? Do they have family commitments or dreams? Already in a relationship? Living nearby or far away? Experiencing a health challenge? This is the time for extreme honesty. They may, or may not have the time, energy, desire or availability for the kind of relationship you are seeking. When honest with yourself about where the person is, you can more clearly ascertain if the fit and timing are right. One or both parties often ignore these issues, hoping it will pass. Deception is a powerful poison, and it will come back to bite you both and often others as well.
5. Based on the HONEST answers to the first 4 questions, what is the healthiest dynamic for this relationship at this time?
Now, at least, you are equipped with more than pheromones, fantasy, and attraction to help you navigate the best arrangement. This is the critical point which determines whether you move into a conscious healthy relationship or repeat YET AGAIN another Karmic relationship cycle of pain. Discernment and honesty here is THE GREATEST gift to all involved. Everyone will have challenges and differences. You are seeking to learn if the gaps are bridgeable, and there is enough mutual interest to move forward. Maybe the healthiest arrangement will be friends, colleagues or movie buddies. If you have explored these questions honestly and feel there is potential, alignment and attraction, then go for it! If you are getting clear signals that something is not right or big red flags, then back up. If you are not sure, then proceed with caution. You have the right to be disappointed if what you had hoped for does not match reality. You are free to grieve if the timing or paths are not aligned. Better to grieve now and release what isn’t a good fit than to ignore and force something false. THIS is how people avoid chaotic hurtful relationships. People are dynamic. Therefore, relationships are dynamic. Keep asking the questions above and reevaluate as the answers shift over time. A friend or colleague may turn into a romantic partner. Spouses may shift into just being co-parents or friends. The invitation is to remain present in all circumstances and people involved, allowing the highest alignment for the relationship.
By Anahata Ananda, founder of Shamangelic Healing in Sedona